From the journal of my younger self...

July 6, 1999

Journal,

I worked today. It has only been four days of "work" and it's going great because the kids haven't started yet. I'm a camp counselor for the King's Lynne summer program.  Chris and I went to Hampton Beach last night.  It was fun, especially when we got our palms read by a psychic.  She told me a bunch of information...like I'm getting married at age 26 and I'll have four children!  (Four is WAY too many!) She also talked about my grades in school and was spot-on! She also mentioned a wedding and a family vacation that will happen soon.  We'll see about all that. 

Kerri

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FAVORITES (1999)

Color: Blue

Number: 7

Food: Fettuccine Alfredo

Restaurant: Polcari's

Song: All Apologies - Nirvana

Band: Nirvana (maybe)

Clothing stores: GAP, American Eagle Outfitters

Movies: Wizard of OZ, Dirty Dancing, Clueless

TV Shows: Dawson's Creek, Punky Brewster

Sayings: "Who's your daddy?" "Do you wanna talk about it?" "Stop the violence"

Beverage: Dr. Pepper (Pepsi is a close second)

Subject: English

Collection: Pictures! 

Hobbies: Art, writing, listening to music, poetry

Car: 1999 Volkswagen Jetta (red or black)

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Disappointment

Sometimes you just need to place your head in your hands and scream...loudly.

When you have someone so child-like, so self-loathing, and self-centered in your life this would be an all too regular occurrence for you too.  Karen is a child in a fifty-something year old body that will never mature mentally or emotionally.  It is nearly impossibly having a conversation that doesn't turn directly back to her. Everything is about her.  An apple, somehow, relates back to her and her kitchen decor. Even though you could be talking about your delicious, ripe, shiny apple in your very hand.

Words cannot express the amount of disappointment I feel towards myself right now. Great disappointment for allowing her in my world and thinking she'd changed. Silly, silly me.  For years I kept her at a healthy distance guarding my heart.  I had changed.  My heart had softened, I was less bitter, and I let her in.  Sending photos of the family.  Talking on a somewhat regular basis.  An "I love you" even slipped out of my mouth at the end of several conversations.  Things have changed. Or maybe they hadn't.  She had almost always felt more like an estranged aunt than a mother; never a mom.  Two days in my life was she a mom to me but those are very different blogs for brighter days.  She let me down and then turned my hurt into her anger.  It's funny how that always happens.

I wrote her this text message today: I AM DONE BEING LET DOWN BY YOU. I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE AND DON'T DESERVE THE DISAPPOINTMENT.  TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS FOR ONCE.


She never fails to disappoint.  At least she's consistent in that.  Sigh.