Friday, February 26, 2010

Everyone but me

I have been sad.  Extremely sad.  Since Sunday February 14, 2010 I have been in a state of off-and-on sadness.  I could not for the life of me figure out what my deal was.  I'd put on a chipper face at work and charm a smile for many a customer but as soon as I got  home all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, or sulk.  Pathetic to the highest degree, I was.  February fourteenth started out well enough aside from being particularly emotional.  I recall having a conversation in the sanctuary that day with Gabe Squires.  We talked and talked well passed the lights being shut off on us.  The conversation was weighty and revolved mostly around having children.  I brushed off the conversation in my mind, or so I thought I did, and went on with the day.  
Last night was especially hard on me.  I couldn't make up my mind over which couch to sit on, whether I wanted my sweatshirt off or on; basically I was indecisive and difficult to be around.  Poor Phil just kept his calm and continued writing an email to his boss as I whined from the love seat.  Nothing on tv appealed to me.  Sitting there was driving me nuts.  Every little thing bothered me.  I wanted Phil to ask me what was wrong.  I sat there and wept, hard.  Before I could mutter a word Phil said something along the lines "I know it's hard for you."  I believe I fell more in love with him at that moment.  He knew what was wrong.  He knew and I didn't even know.  "I can't describe how I'm feeling, I am just so sad" I replied.  "Everyone is pregnant, I get it" he loving, empathetically comforted me.  I cried so hard for a good thirty minutes and let it all out. Not being able to have kids of my own finally hit me all at once.  He hugged me. He told me how much he adores me.  He made me feel amazing.  I had no idea how much it could hurt.  He did.  He knew the time would come that reality would hit and I would feel helpless, like a failure of a woman, so empty inside.  He didn't have to ask.
He made me feel like a complete woman for the first time in a long time.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Great Cookie Debate; get a clue.

"Where are the girl scouts? More importantly, where are the cookies?"

Little did I know a simple Facebook status would turn into a thirty-comment discussion leaning towards our church being a discriminatory one.  I think people just want to argue.  Especially the liberal, close-minded, self-centered, left winged crazies who are full of hatred and darkness.  It makes me angry to think I was once so ignorant.  

Phil and I discussed how much we've changed over the past few years.  How apathetic I once was.  How I would be so agreeable with everyone to avoid any type of confrontation.  How Phil was much less in-your-face about his passions, about his passionate dislike for Wal-mart, about how much he's grown.  How much we've both grown. The only reason we're more confident in our selves is because our self is not the center of our lives.  God is.  Loving another more than yourself really changes things.  Loving Jesus more than yourself changes everything.  

Someone with no clue saying our church discriminates makes me enraged.  It makes me want to shove a cookie down such a persons throat.  BUT because I have love in my heart I actually feel sorry for the people living in such darkness.  Get a clue.  See the light.  See that there is more to life than yourself. 

Still, I'd love some Thin Mints. 

Friday, February 5, 2010

Connection Lost

I am missing friends a lot these days.  So much so that I'm starting to complain, blame them, and become...bitter.  None of which I want to do or feel.  I should reach out to my friends and let them know how I am feeling, that I am missing them instead of sulking like a child.

I need to reconnect with so many people.  Living in Joplin is lovely but I am starting to feel the strain a bit.  Finding the middle ground between family and friends is a balancing act that I must figure out.

God help me to not be resentful or remain bitter about my own foolish thoughts.  Help me take initiative and reach out to others instead of trying to let them figure out how I am feeling.  People are not mind-readers.  Also, please make this snow stop.  Help those traveling reach their businesses, homes, or destinations safely.  Amen.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Get Me Right - Dashboard Confessional

I made my slow way home
Limping on broken bones
Out of the thickest pine
Across the county lines
On to your wooden stairs
I know you can repair
I know you've seen the light
I know you'll get me right


I own a sinners heart
I know the rain falls hard
I know the currency
I know the things you'll need
I hope he hears my prayers
I see you cut your hair
I know the saving type
I know you'll get me right


But, Jesus I've fallen
I don't mind the rain if
I meet my maker
I'll meet my maker clean

But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I'll need my maker

To cure of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins I love
And take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up the side of me
And whispers it convinces me I'm