I have been sad. Extremely sad. Since Sunday February 14, 2010 I have been in a state of off-and-on sadness. I could not for the life of me figure out what my deal was. I'd put on a chipper face at work and charm a smile for many a customer but as soon as I got home all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, or sulk. Pathetic to the highest degree, I was. February fourteenth started out well enough aside from being particularly emotional. I recall having a conversation in the sanctuary that day with Gabe Squires. We talked and talked well passed the lights being shut off on us. The conversation was weighty and revolved mostly around having children. I brushed off the conversation in my mind, or so I thought I did, and went on with the day.
Last night was especially hard on me. I couldn't make up my mind over which couch to sit on, whether I wanted my sweatshirt off or on; basically I was indecisive and difficult to be around. Poor Phil just kept his calm and continued writing an email to his boss as I whined from the love seat. Nothing on tv appealed to me. Sitting there was driving me nuts. Every little thing bothered me. I wanted Phil to ask me what was wrong. I sat there and wept, hard. Before I could mutter a word Phil said something along the lines "I know it's hard for you." I believe I fell more in love with him at that moment. He knew what was wrong. He knew and I didn't even know. "I can't describe how I'm feeling, I am just so sad" I replied. "Everyone is pregnant, I get it" he loving, empathetically comforted me. I cried so hard for a good thirty minutes and let it all out. Not being able to have kids of my own finally hit me all at once. He hugged me. He told me how much he adores me. He made me feel amazing. I had no idea how much it could hurt. He did. He knew the time would come that reality would hit and I would feel helpless, like a failure of a woman, so empty inside. He didn't have to ask.
He made me feel like a complete woman for the first time in a long time.