blogging is becoming a thing of the past.

true story.



Merry Christmas!

Let's Give Thanks

For twenty days leading up to Thanksgiving I have been writing what I'm thankful for in my Facebook status.  So far I've been thankful for....

Jake and John (that's two but they're a package deal)

Having a job, and a fun one at that!

An extra hour of sleep (day light savings ended)

Music. Especially live music. "Music is an outburst of the soul"

The little things in life. Like a smile from a stranger.

Coffee. Yum.  

Three years of marriage!

Veterans and those that help serve and protect our American rights.

Good hair days.

Pizza. Happy National Pizza Day! (11/12)

The grace of God.

Smoke-free establishments.

Laughing so hard, you cry!

The arts. Music, painting, photography, dancing, etc.

All the people who acted as mom and dad in my life throughout my 28 years.

Selfless giving. For volunteering.

I am thankful for the boost in the economy (from the holidays.)

Covenant Harvest School and the teachers who so humbly sacrifice.

For people who can go with the flow.

Technology.

Lunch with friends.

What are you thankful for?  I am thankful for you, too.

Splashing around in uncharted waters

Three years of marriage is under both me and Phillip's belts!  That may seem like a silly statement to make but being Phil's third wife it's his first third wedding anniversary; and that is something to boast about!  The saying is definitely true that the third time is a charm.  I even joked with him saying a charm necklace would make a great Christmas present.  He smirked.

We left Monday night for Eureka Springs, Arkansas and just got back a few hours ago today (Thursday.)  While it was off-season in E.S., AR we had a blast and caught a few neat photos with our cell phones.  Enjoy.

Teeny tiny cabin and an awesome VW Beatle

Outside of a restaurant on the street (neat photo)

The gigantic Jesus statue near The Great Passion Play

See that little person in front of the bushes?  That is Phil to show just how large this statue is

Feeding time a Turpentine Creek, a big cat refuge - very cool to watch this lion eat

This is Zena one of three white tigers at the refuge. Her species is nearing extinction.

The view of Table Rock Lake from Phil's boyhood home. 

Our last night in E.S. we ate at a local restaurant, Sparky's, where I ordered chicken, and...

 ...Phil ordered chipotle sauce for his pork. It was insanely spicy even though the waitress called it mild. 

And a reminder of three years ago....

Greater than self....How are you selfless?

Being a parent is an obvious answer - there is another life that is reliant on you to change them, feed them, clean them, and make them your top priority. Another example is when volunteering and sacrificing your time to help those less fortunate. Or even something so small as holding the door open for someone behind me.  Most importantly, following Jesus and living life as he would and putting my fleshly thoughts and ways on the back burner. 



How are some ways you are selfless?


"Truly great leaders in life become so because they cause others to be greater than themselves." - Steve Farber

Inside my head

Often I am thinking a million thoughts a minute.

For example right now I am thinking "Is this bite of chicken going to be too hot to eat? I'll bite it anyway. It's probably going to burn my tongue and leave a sore on the roof of my mouth like too-hot pizza does.  I wonder how the conference will flow this year?  I hope Gods presence is thick.  I've had a word the last two Sundays I've been at church.  Perhaps God wants me to speak up and get out of my slouching-in-my-seat stance? Why do I get on Facebook so often? I think it's my insatiable need to connect to others.  That, and I get bored easily.  Then I get bored when I'm on Facebook and I think of iced lattes.  Mmm, lattes! Oh snap I need to make a phone call."

That's pretty much how my mind works all the time.

What's on your mind?

So Long Sweet Summer

Do you ever stand in front of the mirror doing karate moves and making funny faces? Oh, neither do I. 

This was a summer of magical summers. I wish I could sing about how awesome my summer was, like how Sandy and Danny did in Grease, because I can't really articulate in words how great it was.  "I went to the pooooool a lot with the boooooooooooooys." That didn't work.  I was way off pitch.  

Here are the highlights of my summer...


Jonas Jachura was born!  The little guy came six weeks early.  Here's a photo of him with his proud grandparents:

I discovered Glee.  It's a guilty pleasure that I love to love.  I probably discovered it before summer actually started but I'll call it the summer anyway.

Two of my dear friends turned thirty.  Bekah in early June and Patti in late July.  Both were awe-inspiring parties with great friends, games, snacks, and some emotional gifts. There were other birthdays this summer (Donnie,  Joy, Nicole, Amy, Phil)  but those were the most notable, milestone birthdays.  (my camera got ruined in the ocean therefore I have no photographic proof of Patti turning thirty.)

We went on a "vacation" to Massachusetts and New Hampshire where we ate, prayed, loved one another and swam.  I quoted vacation because going back home sometimes does not feel like a vacation, rather a visit.  If that makes sense.  We did have a blast, don't get me wrong.  Phil had fun even with his eyes closed.

Now Jake and John are back in school and I have lots of free time on my hands.  No complaints here, other than needing to lose weight...and lots of it.  

Disappointed in myself. D'oh!

I had a word at church today and didn't give it.

What a disappointing feeling it is not having said what God showed me.  Standing in front of the church can be a bit nerve wracking.  Not standing in front of the church speaking His word is a worse feeling, in retrospect.

Here's the picture I had:

Everyone in the church had a light bulb over their head with a pull chain attached.  Some people pulled their chain and their light came on while other lights did not come on.  The persons whose light did not come on were in complete shock and were more concerned with the light bulb not working than really looking at the darkness they've been living in for some time.  What God wants us to remember is that He always knows where we are living.  That He can turn our light on again if we look to Him.  We cannot have one foot in light and another in darkness.

My condensed testimony

"Clap your hands for baby Jesus!" I would sarcastically say all too often in my late teen, early adulthood years.  I would go as far as raising my hand up in the air and acting like I was reaching for the heavens.  My insecurities and ignorance in all things spiritual and religious-based caused me to act ridiculously.  And ridiculously I acted, for years.   Jokingly, when people would annoy me or say something that made no sense I would place my hand on their forehead, push back and say "demons out."  I told Scott Squires about doing this act and he said there was something very spiritually powerful about that.  Perhaps demonic?  The people became less annoying after pushing them but I think it was because they were more in shock than the spirit having much to do with it.  

Fast forward to the fall/winter of two thousand and six.  I worked at Bridges Community Care in Pittsburg, Kansas.  I swear I was asked daily which church I attended and got multiple invites to attend so-and-so's church.  I started lying saying I attended St. Mary's so co-workers would get off my back.  Around the same time Phil and I started going to the mall deli frequently.  Jim, the owner of The Mall Deli, sat us in "Kate's" section each time we visited.  He must've thought we really liked her, which we did.  Kate would take our order and make small talk between serving our sodas and deli burgers.  One day I discovered that she went to bible college for a year prior to attending PSU.  That baffled me.  I later found out that her dad is a pastor!  That really came as a shock to me.  She invited us to church several times with many excuses on my part as to why we could not attend.  In Spring she invited us to watch her church's version of the play Thirty Pieces which was held at the Memorial Auditorium.  I figured it was a public place, why not.  We enjoyed the play, told Kate what a great job she'd done, and then literally ran down the steps of the auditorium avoiding having to talk to anyone else from her church.  Looking back at that moment, I always laugh. 
Two months later, July 25. 2006, I received my first bible and started attending Covenant Harvest Church.  In March 2007 I was baptized in the holy spirit.   

While there has been lots of questioning of this and that on my part, life has been so much more enriching since finding God and actually walking with Him instead of against Him.  I raise my hand in love and faith now.  I clap for Jesus the savior, the redeemer, the graceful son.  
That's the short story.

Was that a dog barking?

Too much coughing in Kerri's world these days. 

Sigh.

Grrrrrrrr

I just wrote the quirkiest, longest blog I've ever written and it vanished.  Thought I would share my grave disappointment.  I'll write another blog at a later date.

From the journal of my younger self...

July 6, 1999

Journal,

I worked today. It has only been four days of "work" and it's going great because the kids haven't started yet. I'm a camp counselor for the King's Lynne summer program.  Chris and I went to Hampton Beach last night.  It was fun, especially when we got our palms read by a psychic.  She told me a bunch of information...like I'm getting married at age 26 and I'll have four children!  (Four is WAY too many!) She also talked about my grades in school and was spot-on! She also mentioned a wedding and a family vacation that will happen soon.  We'll see about all that. 

Kerri

_______________________________________________

FAVORITES (1999)

Color: Blue

Number: 7

Food: Fettuccine Alfredo

Restaurant: Polcari's

Song: All Apologies - Nirvana

Band: Nirvana (maybe)

Clothing stores: GAP, American Eagle Outfitters

Movies: Wizard of OZ, Dirty Dancing, Clueless

TV Shows: Dawson's Creek, Punky Brewster

Sayings: "Who's your daddy?" "Do you wanna talk about it?" "Stop the violence"

Beverage: Dr. Pepper (Pepsi is a close second)

Subject: English

Collection: Pictures! 

Hobbies: Art, writing, listening to music, poetry

Car: 1999 Volkswagen Jetta (red or black)

__________________________________________________

Disappointment

Sometimes you just need to place your head in your hands and scream...loudly.

When you have someone so child-like, so self-loathing, and self-centered in your life this would be an all too regular occurrence for you too.  Karen is a child in a fifty-something year old body that will never mature mentally or emotionally.  It is nearly impossibly having a conversation that doesn't turn directly back to her. Everything is about her.  An apple, somehow, relates back to her and her kitchen decor. Even though you could be talking about your delicious, ripe, shiny apple in your very hand.

Words cannot express the amount of disappointment I feel towards myself right now. Great disappointment for allowing her in my world and thinking she'd changed. Silly, silly me.  For years I kept her at a healthy distance guarding my heart.  I had changed.  My heart had softened, I was less bitter, and I let her in.  Sending photos of the family.  Talking on a somewhat regular basis.  An "I love you" even slipped out of my mouth at the end of several conversations.  Things have changed. Or maybe they hadn't.  She had almost always felt more like an estranged aunt than a mother; never a mom.  Two days in my life was she a mom to me but those are very different blogs for brighter days.  She let me down and then turned my hurt into her anger.  It's funny how that always happens.

I wrote her this text message today: I AM DONE BEING LET DOWN BY YOU. I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE AND DON'T DESERVE THE DISAPPOINTMENT.  TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS FOR ONCE.


She never fails to disappoint.  At least she's consistent in that.  Sigh.

Blogging Halt for the summer?

Where are all my blogging friends?  I like sleeping in until 9am in the summer.  I also like having a comment or reading a new blog once in a while.
Stay connected.

What are you up to this summer?  What's new with you?

Oh Summer...

I love how you are full of promises of adventure and excitement. 

You remind me of childhood and what it's like to hope, dream, soak up the sun and the excitement and newness of what tomorrow holds.  

Every summer day is a new adventure.  

A day to read a book under a tree.  

To gleefully cannonball into a pool.  

To slab on the coconut-scented sunblock.  Then re-apply. 

To laugh, play, get a tan, share quality time with those you care about, to grill.

To enjoy freeze pops and tropical snow. 

To wear flips flops and sport brightly painted toes. 

I am so looking forward to you, summer.  Here's to another great one.

Reasons why....

Walking in the doors I can barely hear myself think with the clicking, clanking, noises of the blue world.   "Where's my list?" I think to myself while simultaneously thinking "The quicker I get my goods the better."

Phil would kill me if he knew. Shhh, he'll never read this. 

Hunching over her cart, a mother of three is scolding one of her sad-faced children, telling her to "shut on up, you ain't getting no cereal!" I quickly walked by the rowdy bunch and smiled an empathetic smile at the denied child.

Standing completely upright, resembling the ten and two driving position, I push my cart around the corner almost hitting several people until I get to the next aisle.  That's where the most amusing couple stood near the frozen chicken nuggets squawking about how expensive the frozen rib meat (we don't care call it real chicken) would be.  "I've got it" she torts.  "You best have it.  I don't want to be all embarrassed 'bout not having 'nough money once we got to the register."

The twenty items or less line had me waiting for what felt like days.  So long was the wait that not only were the prices being rolled back throughout the store, but also the eyes of the lady behind me.  She might have been more frustrated than myself with standing still for so long.  She should be used to it as I'm sure she's a frequent shopper.   Myself, on the other hand, had not purchased an item from the blue world in months.

Quickly, I realized I wasn't in red world any longer.  There are guests in the red world and customers in blue world.

And these are just a few reasons why I loathe Wal-Mart.

Visits Home

The more I change, the more they stay the same.
Each visit home is a realization that I am not the person who left Massachusetts six years ago.
Anyone who looks at my comments on MySpace circa 2004-2005 knows that I was a crude, dirty-talking, foul mouthed, Jesus-bashing, rude, miserable "Masshole."  Sorry I had to go there.  I had little more than just my self to live for and it was evident.  When you put yourself second to Jesus, life really takes a turn for the better.

Just last week I shared a story with my home group from my recent trip back east.  While home, a conversation took place between my brother Jeff and myself.  He started it.   We talked of religions and how different each really is.  He then said "You know which one I really can't stand?" Which? "Those born-again's!"  I let him tell me how awful born-again Christians are, how they shove bibles in peoples faces, how your life before being born-again is total washed away and how your previous life and actions no longer exist.  It was hard not to get angry or laugh in his face.  Nonchalantly, I told him that I was "born again" three years ago in March of 2007.  He got silent.  I explained that while it may appear my life before is no longer it's my sins that were washed away by the blood of Jesus.  That I have never shoved a bible in any persons face, nor would I.  That I choose to live my life like Christ lived his life. He got quiet again.  The conversation shifted to another subject shortly after.  He noticed a change in me.  The next day, while driving, he mentioned how he doesn't have a foundation in his life/family.  That he's created his own foundation in his family.  I said "Sadly, most people build their own foundation."  

Just living for Him and like Him shows how different a person is.  Visits home are a reminder of the old me while being more grateful for the reinvented, Christ-loving new me.

A new life

My brother Jeff and his wife Nicole had a baby girl yesterday!  


Madelyne Beverly Clay 8lb 13oz, 21 1/4" long. Born 4/20/10 at 8:22 a.m.  
Beverly is my late grandmothers first name.  Maddy's a chubby-cheeked little girl!  
Jeff and Nicole tried several times determining the babies sex but she was stubborn and they never knew until yesterday. 

Maddy and mommy 

Madelyne and big sister Samantha

The (growing) Clay family

  

Wedding and Easter April 2010

(Jonathan and) Kate; no longer the newest newlywed couple but still very much newlyweds

 Ugo & Amy's first dance as husband and wife

 Ellen (E-Trav) and Amy P. partying it up

The Brooks on Easter Sunday.  The kids did not cooperate well therefore this is the best photo 

of the two dozen snapped.  Still a cute bunch. 

The Butler bunch

Saved...again

I am certain I was saved again last night at prayer.  

It was amazing.

New addition to the garage

I got a new bike.  Oh the places I can go!  Wind blowing through my hair, the feel of the pavement below me, going left then right then left again.  Very exciting. 
 Now I'll just need a new pair of sneakers like Patti suggests ( Patti's sneaker blog )

Overwhelming joy

Friends you are AMAZING.  
I received, quite possibly, the best birthday present ever: a scrapbook with letters from my closest friends letting me know how loved I am.  Tears dripped down my soggy cheeks letter by letter.  Words really cannot express how blessed I am.  How blessed I feel.  


Thank you a million thank you's.  This is just what I was needing.

Everyone but me

I have been sad.  Extremely sad.  Since Sunday February 14, 2010 I have been in a state of off-and-on sadness.  I could not for the life of me figure out what my deal was.  I'd put on a chipper face at work and charm a smile for many a customer but as soon as I got  home all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, or sulk.  Pathetic to the highest degree, I was.  February fourteenth started out well enough aside from being particularly emotional.  I recall having a conversation in the sanctuary that day with Gabe Squires.  We talked and talked well passed the lights being shut off on us.  The conversation was weighty and revolved mostly around having children.  I brushed off the conversation in my mind, or so I thought I did, and went on with the day.  
Last night was especially hard on me.  I couldn't make up my mind over which couch to sit on, whether I wanted my sweatshirt off or on; basically I was indecisive and difficult to be around.  Poor Phil just kept his calm and continued writing an email to his boss as I whined from the love seat.  Nothing on tv appealed to me.  Sitting there was driving me nuts.  Every little thing bothered me.  I wanted Phil to ask me what was wrong.  I sat there and wept, hard.  Before I could mutter a word Phil said something along the lines "I know it's hard for you."  I believe I fell more in love with him at that moment.  He knew what was wrong.  He knew and I didn't even know.  "I can't describe how I'm feeling, I am just so sad" I replied.  "Everyone is pregnant, I get it" he loving, empathetically comforted me.  I cried so hard for a good thirty minutes and let it all out. Not being able to have kids of my own finally hit me all at once.  He hugged me. He told me how much he adores me.  He made me feel amazing.  I had no idea how much it could hurt.  He did.  He knew the time would come that reality would hit and I would feel helpless, like a failure of a woman, so empty inside.  He didn't have to ask.
He made me feel like a complete woman for the first time in a long time.

The Great Cookie Debate; get a clue.

"Where are the girl scouts? More importantly, where are the cookies?"


Little did I know a simple Facebook status would turn into a thirty-comment discussion leaning towards our church being a discriminatory one.  I think people just want to argue.  Especially the liberal, close-minded, self-centered, left winged crazies who are full of hatred and darkness.  It makes me angry to think I was once so ignorant.  


Phil and I discussed how much we've changed over the past few years.  How apathetic I once was.  How I would be so agreeable with everyone to avoid any type of confrontation.  How Phil was much less in-your-face about his passions, about his passionate dislike for Wal-mart, about how much he's grown.  How much we've both grown. The only reason we're more confident in our selves is because our self is not the center of our lives.  God is.  Loving another more than yourself really changes things.  Loving Jesus more than yourself changes everything.  


Someone with no clue saying our church discriminates makes me enraged.  It makes me want to shove a cookie down such a persons throat.  BUT because I have love in my heart I actually feel sorry for the people living in such darkness.  Get a clue.  See the light.  See that there is more to life than yourself. 


Still, I'd love some Thin Mints. 

Connection Lost

I am missing friends a lot these days.  So much so that I'm starting to complain, blame them, and become...bitter.  None of which I want to do or feel.  I should reach out to my friends and let them know how I am feeling, that I am missing them instead of sulking like a child.

I need to reconnect with so many people.  Living in Joplin is lovely but I am starting to feel the strain a bit.  Finding the middle ground between family and friends is a balancing act that I must figure out.

God help me to not be resentful or remain bitter about my own foolish thoughts.  Help me take initiative and reach out to others instead of trying to let them figure out how I am feeling.  People are not mind-readers.  Also, please make this snow stop.  Help those traveling reach their businesses, homes, or destinations safely.  Amen.

Get Me Right - Dashboard Confessional

I made my slow way home
Limping on broken bones
Out of the thickest pine
Across the county lines
On to your wooden stairs
I know you can repair
I know you've seen the light
I know you'll get me right

Right
Right
Right

I own a sinners heart
I know the rain falls hard
I know the currency
I know the things you'll need
I hope he hears my prayers
I see you cut your hair
I know the saving type
I know you'll get me right

Right
Right
Right

But, Jesus I've fallen
I don't mind the rain if
I meet my maker
I'll meet my maker clean

But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I'll need my maker

To cure of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins I love
And take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up the side of me
And whispers it convinces me I'm

Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right

I love....

and...

My (new) car.

I love many other things but at this very moment these two are first, after Jesus of course.

Positive, Encouraging...KLOVE

Something has changed on the inside of me.

I've put aside my indie rock and roll CD's for Christian radio.  90.7 KLOVE is programmed as my number one station.  I have John, the boy who once shouted "why are we listening to church music, it's not Sunday", now singing "Kwoooooove."  (He's working on his "L's" still.)

As a little reminder to myself of how far I've come I will re-post the photo of the "Jesus bird" (from 5/15/08) that would not let me go home the day I tried leaving church due to moodiness and sin.

Life is good.

Standing still (a bit of a ramble)

Life is pretty awesome these days.
I have a great family, awesome friends, an adorable apartment, my dream car, and a fun job.  
When life goes so well I tend to focus on the things that need improvement.  I should soak up all the goodness and enjoy how great things are but I tend to focus on the less great areas that need attention.  School, for instance, ties-in many aspects of my 'dark' areas of life.  I am considering taking photography classes at MSSU.  Either that or going in the total opposite direction and taking social work classes (just that'd be a stretch, as much as I'd love it.)  I don't know just how passionate I am about photography.  Wait, that's false.  I adore taking photos.  I don't love editing photos.  Plus, with so many photographers around it's hard to compete - especially when I'm not a confident, skilled photographer.  That's why classes would help.  
I feel I am at such a stand-still right now.  Like I have to make a decision about my future and not just go with the flow, even though it's a nice life flow.  I want more.  I want to be more.  Target is a fine job but making lattes is not a career.  It feels like a transitional job.  Just yesterday my ninety-day review was written and it mentioned me moving up in the company.  The excitement in knowing another has that much faith in my performance is rewarding.  I just feel I've taken ten steps back in where I am currently working.  

Can you say Ramble McRamble Queen? I sure do know how to ramble on and on.  What I'm trying to say is I think it's time to look to the future and figure out where I want to go.  I'll continue to ask God where he wants to take me.  Until then, maybe you could say a little prayer for me.

Second attempt

For accountability purposes I am publicly stating that I am starting P90x (lean version) again today.  I started last week and somehow took three days off so I am re-starting the intense program today.  Please do ask me how it is going.  I will try to touch base on how the workouts are and if they prove to be effective.

A special shout out/thanks to Ugo for the daily accountability text message!

Here's to a leaner me in 90 days!

Intention of 2010

My goal for 2010 is to send hand-written notes/letters to friends and family who live far away. There's nothing like receiving mail, especially from a dear friend. As mentioned in a previous blog, receiving mail is one of life's simple pleasures.

I'm off to a good start with two stamped and ready-to-be-mailed note cards.